Saturday, November 04, 2006

it's over... so why do I not feel happy?

Today was undoubtable the worst day I've had this year (with losing the lizard in the wall the day after I broke a finger being a not-very-close second).

I got to wits at 7am, and tried to get to work. It was so horrible, I was useless! That post from this morning took me about half an hour because I was so tired and stupid I just couldn't get anything right.

So I proofread and it seemed ok, but I knew I was tired, so I just sort of twitched around. When my supervisor finally deigned to arrive at about 10am I was a little bit... frantic. So I gave him my updated thesis and he said eh had to go do something quickly, but he'd get back and get started in about 1/2 an hour. I offered to help in order to be around to speed up the process, but he refused. so I sort of twitched around a bit more, drinking copious amounts of coffee and typing up a title page (more on that later).

Eventually I almost went to sleep on some chairs in the honours room, but as soon as I was dozing off nicely (the chairs actually make a remarkably comfortable bed when pushed together!) either someone would walk in, or someone would ask me a question. Finally the room was full of people who were being very polite and not screaming or anything when TAO (the annoying one) walked in and proceeded to get all loud on the phone about how happy she was that she was all done and her write-up was handed in and how exciting it was to go for coffee and so on. I gave up the pretense after she left. By then it was an hour after my supervisor had arrived (and 5 hours until hand-in) and he still hadn't got back. so I twitched around some more and got Luke to proofread (shout out to Luke, you is rox!) and then twitched some more.

After waiting for two and a half hours (it was a long half an hour I think, in his mind) there was srtill no sign of my supervisor and I got really really upset. I was complaining to Neva about how upset I was that all the hard work I'd done all year was going to be worthless because nobody (i.e. my supervisor) cared when I just sort of burst into tears. Awkward moment.

A little while later my supervisor reappeared and then an hour later (this is 2:30 pm, an hour and a half from hand-in) he sent me his comments. I was in a bad mood, and I think he noticed because he was really nice and I was particularly unfriendly (I had already stormed into the lab a few times complaining about how academia is horrible and I'm not doing masters... I think the Australain might have said something to him), and then I rushed off to do my corrections (nothing major a new paragraph and some grammar , the whole discussion was in present rather than past tense and I hadn't noticed. neither had Luke). so, with 45 minutes to go, Luke and I rushed off to get our theses printed and bound. there was a queue, but mine was done in time, so we sprinted (well Luke sprinted, I ran out of steam half way and walked. it's really not been a kind year!) to hand in and I walked over to the desk, and proudly held out my three copies... to see that I'd left a word out of my title, rendering it meaningless (it was a 'being', so without it I was just looing at 'the costs of subordinate').

So I panicked and sprinted off to reprint the cover page, but my copies were already bound, so with dramatically shaking hands I cut out the title and glued it on top of the original title. it looked horrible. So for the other two i just stuck the missing word on and that looked ok. The ugly one with the double title is going to give me sleepless nights. I was really upset, and Neva got a bit nervous that I might start crying again (I was beyond crying). And that was it. 40% of my honours degree ticked off a list and handed in.

We were about to go to Biosoc for a drink, and realised that of the three of us (myself, Luke and EEbEE) none of us had eaten at all that day and it might be a bad idea to drag ourselves off to the pub in our current exhausted, overcaffeined states. so we went and got food and Luke ran off home and I ended up at Biosoc where a small group of exhausted people sat and didn't really talk at all.

I have an essay for Monday, so I went to the lab to fetch the papers I need for it, and got a talking-to from the Australian about going home. He also said that if I'm not enjoying the long horrible hours, loads of stats and monotonous lab work it might be a good idea for me to quit now. I agree, but a part of me wanted him to advise me to stay. I couldn't find the papers, my desk(s) are messy at the best of times, but are also usually super-organised. Right now they're both disaster-zones and I can't find anything. so I drove home really slowly for fear of driving off the side of the road due to total exhaustion and went outside and lay on the grass. The drive home really upset me because it was the most beautiful sunset I've ever seen, the kind with bright ble sky with multicoloured streaks across it and silhouetted clouds and birds flying across... and I felt nothing. I didn't even wish I had my camera.

I want this year to be over!


Anonymous said...

wow helen. that is an insane day. i'm glad you're done with that. it's nice that you have friends, like luke, to help you and to suffer with you. and even though you didn't want to take a picture of the most beautiful sunset ever, you saw it. and i think being able to still see beauty is quite hopeful. you are awesome.

and i've decided i never want to write a thesis.

Luke said...

Hi Helen!

You did great on Friday! You managed to get it in on time and your only really problem was having to stick the word 'being' onto your cover titles! Nobody will ever notice them!

Okay, that last part was a lie, but it really doesn't matter! You'll see, you'll get it back, undoubtably with some ridiculous mark that is just not humanly possible and you'll wonder why you were so upset about the whole thing!

It's out of our hands now. All we need to do is concentrate on getting through the essays we still have and our exams! It's nearly over!

And don't worry, I saw that sunset too. It was beautiful and my mom pointed it out to me, and I...didn't care. I really didn't give a crap about how the water vapour in the sky looked. So you are not alone. We were all just so tired by the end of it that we really were only concerned with getting home and sleeping.

CURSE THE LIFEHOUSE FAMILY!!!Or is it lighthouse...?I never know...Only that I HATE them!

Keep yo' chin up Hel's! You'll get through this, catch mole-rats in the desert and wonder what all the fuss was about!

sarah said...


I love the lighthouse family!


Hels, my friend, you did good. you did good.

Anonymous said...

Oh Helen you poor bear!

That was one of the most beautiful blog posts I've ever read because it was so genuine and heart-felt!

I'm really sorry to have heard about your terrible day, but it's over now. And it didn't kill you.. it only made you stronger. You're now able to tackle ANYTHING that life might throw at you. Or, at least, another thesis. hehe.

I remember the sunset on Saturday, and I took photos of it because it was truly magnificent. So if you want, you can use my photos? hehe. I'm gonna post them to my blog soon.

ps... I'm sooooo glad to see you know that the plural of 'thesis' is 'theses.'

pps... Luke, the Lighthouse Family ROCKS! ;)