So it appears that hermit-ing is my natural defence mechanism...
The last few weeks have been insanely hectic. With christmas- and the
associated stress and frayed tempers, seeing people I'd missed, trying
to deal with the fact that facing fears doesn't eradicate them
completely and life in general, I realised that a lot of life was just
going through the motions.
I was going out without enjoying it as much as usual- hating it with
some people, but loving some as well, fighting against the
super-controlling family which uses guilt to trap me and being too
busy to sleep properly (it was too hot to sleep in). Life stopped
As it progressed I felt more and more disconnected from the people I
thought of as among my closest friends. La and CG going away didn't
help, although I'm glad they got a break and some QT together.
I think being away so much has made me desperate for human contact
though, and I found myself hitting a pretty bad low, and searching for
someone to confide in. I found the people I had hoped to talk to
either busy, just plain disinterested or not understanding that I
needed to talk. At least I'm hoping they didn't get it and it wasn't
option a or b...
Fortunately I got to spend some time with some new friends and an
opportunity to spend a few days away from home, albeit still in the
And partly from my own reclusiveness and partly from being let down by
other people I've had a chance to hide away for a bit, watch way too
much tv, and while I did chat to an old friend quite a bit, I spent
time just being me with me. I think retreating a bit was the best
thing I could have done.
So it's 2010! And I'm lonely. I rejoin most of society tomorrow
afternoon, lets hope it improves!
New years resolution? I guess to continue on the self-discovery route,
figure out what I want from life, let the superficial friendships be
what they are without expecting depths that aren't there, get over the
silly BT who made me sad... Oh, and graduate. 12 months should be more
than enough for that!
Happy New Year!