give a little bit

Its being one of those weeks. I have my closest friends at war with each other over something that was technically my fault (and I do admit it, but it also wasn't such a big deal. People must relax, seriously). Did someone forget to tell me that we're all back in highschool or something?

 

The university rejected my scholarship application based on the fact that, as a good student, I took a fast-track route and skipped a degree and therefore I confuse the people wth the rulebooks. They generally try and hide their confusion by rejecting me outright, and I responded this morning by yelling a bit and looming over one of the guys in charge until he told me to take a seat and agreed to look into it further. I didn't work this hard to start paying tuition again. Seriously, don't overachieve, it makes way too much admin later.

 

Tomorrow the labmates are off on a fieldtrip and leaving me alone. I'm happy that they get to go, it's an awesome trip, but it hurts a little bit that I wasn't invited again this year. I know that the Powers That Be don't like me, but I don't find it fair that I get rejected and then I have to spend my time helping the other two prepare. Not that they seem to notice that my lack of enthusiasm for checking their lecture notes might not be due to my being a mean person.

 

I've been battling to sleep and the stress over the fighting friends gave me a rather charming three days of nausea, headaches and general death-l-feelings.

 

Candice had some horrible news and it makes me so worried for her and He-of-Many-Sports-Injuries. Why do these things happen to people who don't deserve them?

 

I finally cut all ties with someone who made me unhappy, and it hurts more than I'd like to admit. In the meantime I've met some lovely people and not been particularly nice to them. I tend to be mean to nice people, and nice to people who are horrible and mess with my head. I think I need to print out a warning sticker and put it on my forehead or something.

 

Running has remained the thing that I do when I need to clear my head, but I've found that my response is increasingly not a feeling of calm when I'm finished and my issues are resolved ro I have a plan. Nowadays I stop running and I realise that I feel angry. Life shouldn't be like this. I don't want to have to work to be happy. I want to go back to the days when nobody confided in me and I could go off anad borrow hats and listen to angry-yet-epic music and my friends didn't get jealous of me and I never noticed anything outside my little bubble.

 

And my data is NOT cooperating! I just spent a week doing some unbelievable calculus and all it did was get me from point A to B,C,D,E, W and then straight back to A again...

 

On the plus side Tai chi was so amazingly and unbelievably awesome last night! I have no idea what it was, we didn't do anything special, we just went through the exercises with me joining in where I knew them and copying to the best of my ability for the rest. And it was weird, maybe it had something doing with doing weird wooden 3D puzzle things at a braai right before, but my brain was functional! I was able to follow the others and recognise steps as they started (from other exercises) and so I could follow as far as the start of each step and then finish it on my own.

 

The sword felt right in my hand again and I remembered almost everything I learned before fieldwork. I didn't fall over in the weird kick things. By the end of it the nausea was gone, my headache was faded to something I could ignore and I was bouncing around as usual. I even stayed for an extra half an hour, trying things out, ike doing things backwards, or with my eyes closed, or standing rather than crouching, or crouching further...

 

And tonight I get to do the other thing that makes everything ok (no not eat soup, I did that last night though :) and it was fabulous), I get to go to the ice-rink and skate mindlessly in circles until I get so into the rythm of it that I can pretend I'm flying and everything around me stops mattering.

 

I refuse to think of links between my behaviour and that of zoo animals. If you feel like mentioning it I will blame you for trapping me.