Who are you gonna be?

I didn’t post yesterday because I was not in a happy place. I was hot, I was tired, I’d had a bad day catching lizards, and managed to get fried in the process (SPF40? Yeah right!). Basically I had an ‘I want to go home!’ day, which is a stage I only really hit around week 12 of fieldwork this time last year (which lead to a really kind farmer’s wife who was terrified of lizards trying to chase them for me by using  a leaf-blower). On top of the sunstroke-befuddled homesickness was a terrible feeling of guilt. I love this (really, I do!) and as my last trip here every day that I don’t enjoy makes me feel really guilty for not appreciating this for when I end up behind a desk in the lab for the next few months.

On top of everything I’ve been battling with friends back home who aren’t doing well emotionally. It’s really hard to be so far away when I feel like I’m needed at home (and I know I’m not much of a hugger, but over messenger isn’t quite doing it lately!).

I also have the split-personality type response of feeling terrible sorry for unhappy friends, but also wanting to shake them and tell them to get on with it! I know that they’re unhappy (there are two of them, independently miserable too!), but a lot of it is fixable, if they would just get out of their comfort zones and stop hiding at home and do something!

It sounds harsh and makes me feel even guiltier, but I’m reaching the end of my patience. seriously, if you feel ugly then go out with the people who love you, play around with makeup, exercise and get out there a bit. it might even be fun! I’m a bad friend.

As always when I get lonely I spend some extra time with my Ipod and rediscover some of my music. The Concretes are topping the list for “semi-depressed and not wanting to listen to anything too happy or too sad” Maybe my “FIX IT!” attitude comes from Ben Lee’s ‘Whatever it is’ which I was listening to yesterday evening. I can’t find a video of it to embed, but the lyrics are:

Are you changing, are you changing, are you changing.
Do you know it, do you feel it, do you know it.
But you're waiting, why're you waiting, why're you waiting.
Just do it, whatever it is.

there are secrets, there are secrets, there are secrets.
there are places, there are places, you can go to
they might tell you, yeah they'll tell you, that you shouldn't
just do it, whatever it is, whatever it is,
just do it, whatever it is, whatever it is,
go do it, whatever it is, whatever it is,
just do it, whatever it is.

and you're dancing, and you're looking kinda crazy
and your arms, are making little circles
there are reasons, there are reasons, you can find out
so do it, whatever it is, whatever it is,
just do it, whatever it is, whatever it is,
go do it, whatever it is, whatever it is,
whatever it is, whatever it is.

it's so quiet, it's so quiet, it's so quiet
and you're dreaming, and you're dreaming, and you're dreaming
I turn to you and say - awake is the new sleep, awake is the new sleep
so wake up. And do it, whatever it is. Just do it, whatever it is.
'cause awake is the new sleep, awake is the new sleep
so wake up
wake up.
and do it. Whatever it is, whatever it is,
just do it, whatever it is, whatever it is,
go do it, whatever it is, whatever it is
just do it, whatever it is, whatever it is.

AARGH! I promised I would never post lyrics! I suggest listening to the song if you can find it though, it always makes me smile!

I also had this song on repeat today:

(yay! Back on track from the horrible world of lyric-dom!)

And I actually cooked tonight and I’m feeling much better for having a balanced selection of vegetables in me! I tend to forget to look after myself out here, but I figured I can’t be sunburned and not eat properly.