Scary stuff!

So last night it poured with rain, which is quite weird for winter here, but the weather has been a bit strange on this trip. I was sitting at my laptop at around midnight (don't judge me! I get distracted and then I realise that it's 2am and I haven't slept...) when amidst the noise of rain hitting the roof, i her a weird thudding noise, like something was crawling around on top of the house.

I was very brave and took the supa-awesome spotlight that my folks got me for my birthday and went looking. I didn't see anything, but it was really dark and I didn't get much further than the verandah - the steps down were wet and my knee was really sore and swollen from falling earlier- couldn't bend it at all - so I didn't want to get hurt.

A little bit later I heard it next to the house - the sort of almost-grunting/snoring/rasping noise. Yip, I was visited by the leopard last night! I know there are rumours of a few in the conservancy where I'm living at the moment, and a few people ave seen them. I hear them quite often and I've found kills up trees before, but this was the first time one has come near the house. I think he may have been trying to snack on the vervets and monkeys that shelter near the house when it gets rainy.

This afternoon I heard it again, really near the house, but just beyond the tree-line so I couldn't see it, but I think one of my kudu might have had a nasty shock. If he's been around the house it explains why there has been a distinct lack of game in the area for the last two weeks!

On the plus side it was freezing and cloudy today so I couldn't go lizard-hunting, and think my body decided that it was time to force e to get some sleep so I could recover from my fall. I got up ridiculously late, pottered around for a few hours, went back to lie down for an hour and woke up at 5! It seems to have worked, considering that I've taken a grand total of 4 disprin over the last 24 hours, I can bend my knee again, and as long as I don't push myself I can sort of walk around! The bruise isn't as impressive as i would have hoped, there's something about pain being reflected on the surface that's very satisfying (don't I sound emo? It's not like there's anyone here to sympathise!), but if the weather report is correct, and the fact that I can see a few stars is anything to go by I should be back on the lizard-hunt first thing tomorrow!

good and bad

So I finally got my camera to talk to my laptop! So here are the promised photos. Im not going to write much today except that, after 10 days of relatively incident-free scrambling around on dangerous rocks, today ti was cold and i dodn't go traping, but rather tripped over my own feet and now I can't bend my left knee at all. What are the chances? On the plus side I have an addiction to frozen peas (I'll happily eat entire bowls of them) which as everyone knows are the world's best ice-packs so I'm well looked after!

In other news I was so bored by not being able to walk, I decided to pull out my makeup bag and do something that'll scare the nice little nelspruiters next time I go through there. A friend I told about it didn't believe me, so I took a photo, the only problem is that it really doesn't look like me! I think it's the angle or something, but to not recognise yourself in a photo that you took of yourself... it's weird!

The photos are in no particular order, I'm afraid my connection's not great, so I don't want to fiddle too much. Captions are underneath!

The view from a trapping site. Bear in mind that everythng green in this picture is a thorn tree. The little white spot in the centre is my vehicle. I have to get from the rocks to the vehicle, carrying two heavy buckets and a cooler bag. the house is about two hills behind the vehicle, it's only about 3km to the house, but there's now way I could manage it with buckets and everything after a hard day's trapping.

One of the easier sites to trap. For scale, the boulders at the back are probably up to my shoulders.

Yes people, this is basicallymy back garden! It's the view from the verandah where I sit every evening and watch the bats and the jackal and the kudu and the birds...

This is the kind of site that I fall on, repeatedly. They're generally surrounded by huge thick vines covered in thorns with the diameter of your average pencil. This particular location is on the farm next door, the farmers have a history that would make any soap jealous, and this particular family scares me, so I don't trap there. They farm macadamia nuts, just for the record!

I think Kath inspired me: every time I drove out here I pass this hideous monument and wonder about it. This time I decided to solve the mystery and check it out! It's basically (from what I could understand in the flowery Afrikaans on a very worn plaque) to commemorate the very fine Afrikaans men who died fighting the very not fine English people. I could be wrong. It's just strange to have this huge monument in a field in the mddle of nowhere!

Although this is the view from it, and if I was a patriotic young Afrikaner, I'd probably like to be buried here.

I think I should just drop this and become a mllionaire and retire to my private island

So I got lizard number 17 today, which is the absolute minimum I could get away with catching, I'm thinking of maybe staying here another week and then heading home. It's started getting really cold and activity is way down, basically I saw one lizard today, and I caught him - it's impossible to get them if you can't find them! On the plus side one of the outcrops I go to (the one next to the one I have to crawl through the fence for) is bigger than I thought! I went exploring this morning while nothing was moving and it extends for quite a way along the ridge!

 

I'm enjoying being on my own again, as much as the visiting people were all really nice. I feel the urge to call them 'nice kids' because I've taught two of them, but that would be weird because as it happened I was the youngest of the group by at least two years!

 

Anyway I was hoping to go homme for a night to pick up some equipment, but I spoke to my supervisor today and he said he'd rather courier it so it looks like I'll be stuck here until the end! Which I guess is a good thing because it's getting colder and I can't waste any potential decent weather, and I'm almost done anyway. I'm kind of annoyed that he was angry with me for my leaving the equipment behind, when I did that because it didn't seem to be working and I didn't want to drag it all the way down here, get him to send me the missing piece and then find out that it's broken! I guess I could have anyway and then got him to send me the other one if that happened, but I was upset and not thinking too logically at the time. Either way I think that it's MY job to be angry, particularly since, as it turns out, he didn't even take any of the stuff with him, he had it AT HIS HOUSE!

 

I got bitten by a spider or something on my ankle and it's swollen up to pretty epic proportions. The bite looks particularly impressive, its huge bright red, swollen and conveniently situated next to a tick-bite, which was bothering me so I think I scratched it to the point of bruising. All in all it looks very scary!

 

And that is life. I have to do laundry, my field clothes have passed the 'stylishly dirty/distressed' phase and are looking rather awful. And the weather report says it'll rain tomorrow, so I'm tempted to go into town and get some groceries, but at the same time I don't need much and I'm scared to shop ahead if I'm not sure how much longer I'm going to be here.

Not a lot to say...

So yes, I go running with giraffe, spend my days running around after reptiles and live in a haunted farmhouse in the middle of nowhere for months at a time while doing it (my record is 13 weeks I think). So it's safe to say that I lead a slightly different life. And that's awesome sometimes.

Unfortunately, as with most things, people are amazingly resilient and the weirdest stuff becomes routine. I do the same stuff every day as much as someone in a cubicle. And so there's very little to say.

I took my Ipod out on the rocks with me today. It wasn't my best move- it never is. I tend to trap better without music, but some days I just need a bit of a morale boost and then I find humming along helps. Heaven only knows what the wildlife thinks, but I figured I'm giving them a free education.

So while I was trapping (I got two lizards today before it got boiling hot, there was a freak windstorm and my traps all miraculously stopped being sticky at the same time) I listened to my "Top Rated" play-list. This is basically where all the songs that I really like or listen to a lot until I play them to death, at which time they are removed and I forget about them. so I decided, as so many of my friends are blogging about music lately, that it was my turn!

Anyway I realised that I can remember why I picked each song. For example I have some Pearl Jam, Muse, Nightwish, Rob Zombie, Billy Talent and Breaking Benjamin on it because I find them easy to run or cycle to (on days when I'm tired and need something loud and energetic while still angry). These songs get skipped over when I'm driving because I already have a few minor road rage issues and they don't help.

On days that I'm exercising but I'm in a good mood and full of energy I have the Kill Bil soundtrack (amazingly upbeat!), the Unicorns, the Islands, the Fiery Furnaces, the Killers and so on.

On days when I'm depressed or tired or just want something soothing I have Watershed (there are memories attached there so I can't just remove it), Ben Lee, Neko Case, Feist, goldfish, Midnight Oil, Architecture in Helsinki, Wild Light, Lifehouse, The Boy Least Likely to and that sort of thing.

The trouble is that it takes me months to actually remove a song once I've started skipping it regularly. Like now, I'll decide to skip a song for the millionth time and think of taking it off, but then I'll remember why I liked it, what I was doing when I first heard it and when I do enjoy it and so it stays.

The play-list I used to have that I have since lost or deleted or maybe it was all on my top rated list and ebbed away over time, was a play-list of those songs that you can't help dancing to. I tried to make it again the other day and failed miserably. so far I have:

the Killers - All these things that I've done
Camera Obscura - if looks could kill
The Unicorns- I was born (a unicorn)
Fiery Furnaces- Tropical Iceland
Prodigy - Voodoo people

And now I'm stuck. Does anyone have any suggestions? And what's on your play-lists at the moment?

I found it!

There a site that I can always see from one of the outcrops, but I’ve never been able to find it. Tonight, I went in search of firewood and I decided that as it was almost dark, it was an ideal time to go in search of the elusive rocks that I know to be hidden away, nestled between the thorn bushes.

And, for some reason, today was the day that I found it! I’m so excited, and I will be trapping there first thing tomorrow. If course there were some unhappy altercations with thorny plants along the way, and I saw some rather familiar looking rocks, which I seem to remember standing on to get a better look when I went in search of the outcrop before. For the record, the outcrop is about 10 metres from said rocks… but a year ago the trees were impassable and I went back disappointed.

I made a fire for the visitors to cook on and they made me dinner (again). I feel bad eating other people’s food, but they’re very persistent, so I won’t complain! I also got three lizards today, so I’m four away from my minimum goal! It’s also equal to what I got last year, although last year it took me three weeks, this time it took me six days!

The visiting student and her small army of assistants is leaving tomorrow. I’m glad for the solitude, but sad to see them leave. It’s always nice to have a little bit of company, particularly if they bring new DVDs along with them! One of them brought a show called Green Wing, which is so funny! It’s really random humour which suits me perfectly!

Let’s hope tomorrow gives me four lizards and I can sleep better at night! Please all think happy and lizard-friendly thoughts!

I won! I won!

So Sarah and Luke both gave me an awe-summ award! It basically means that I have to list 7 things about myself that are awesome. Thanks guys!

It's good timing I think, in trying to figure out who I really am under all the self-defence tactics that make up what is referred to as my personality, as well as having time on the rocks to think about it, and now having visitors so I've had a chance to observe my interactions with people, and I've decided to try and stop being all cynical and self-deprecating. Lets hope!

At the same time it's harder than it looks to write this, so I'm going to go right on ahead and pretend that nobody will read it so that I can toot my own horn as much as I want to!

1. I think I'm becoming a good photographer * A few years ago I had a photography assignment that was one of the worst moments in my undergrad career, and it still makes me upset to think about it. now I feel like I can hold my own with a camera and, to make things better, I LOVE taking photos and I have the most awesome camera ever!
2. I can find humour in just about anything. As much as my sense of humour can get me in trouble, I find pretty much any situation amusing, and thus I rarely get bored!
3. I can handle being alone for long periods of time. My love of solitude confuses a lot of people but I love the quiet and the calm as long as I have enough going on to stop me getting bored. Think of all the uses for having this kind of personality: I could succeed as an explorer, an astronaut, the list should be endless but I can't think of anything else.
4. I just lost horribly in a game of Scrabble and that's OK. Who knew that Scrabble was a strategy game? Anyway anyone who knows my runaway competitive tendencies would understand that not caring about being better than everyone else is a very big step!
5. I can bake awesome fudge and brownies.
6. I can talk at a speed understood only by animals and close friends. While this may seem like a drawback, it means I can watch movies at double speed and understand what's going on!
7. I can read insanely fast.

Now I tag: Kath, Suvvygirl, Po, EEbEE, Taz, Tamara and Jeff!

You're AWESOME!

* Yes, I know, I know, I know! i will post photos as soon as my laptop agrees to recognise my camera and my connection allows photo uploads...

Cowabunga!

So this morning the weather was a bit iffy, but it cleared mid-morning
and I decided to make the most of the weather and tackle the largest
outcrop on the farm.

This outcrop is huge, slippery, steep-sided and either fantastic for
lizards or utterly appalling. Today was somewhere inbetween...

There WERE lizards, but they were few and far between, and i had a
fantastic time trotting from trap to trap, checking for lizards.

After three hours I began to plan quitting this to move to Jamaica,
and then I caught one! It was very exciting except that all my
planning lead me to imagining my lizards taunting me with Jamaican
accents. I blame sun exposure. And having a horrible song either by
Texas or roxette in my head.

While the remaining lizards teased me and outsmarted me over and over
again, I went hunting to use the traps freed up by my catching number
5, and I spotted the most beautiful lizard ever!

He was right at the bottom of a steep and slippery slope, and so i
went down very carefully- trying to avoid falling without losing sight
of a lizard is hard! And I set the traps and started climbing.

I had just reached the safe part, above the slippery area, when I
heard a noise- I'd caught him! And he was trying really hard to
escape. So, in terror, I did what any self-respecting zoologist would
do:

with total regard for personal safety, I dropped everything and
launched myself down the slope, landing very gracefully in a pile of
leaf litter and a branch and grabbed him.

In other news, I have a masters student visiting to catch lizards and
she's brought some friends so I have some company for the weekend. Her
cousin's fiancee just staggered through the room in his boxers and
asked me why the world is moving. Which is why you don't drink a
wineglass of vodka. And repeating that with various other things is
also a bad idea.

The anti-poaching guys are back too, but I'll have to talk about that
tomorrow, as the drunk cousin's fiancee in boxers just tried
swallowing two effervescent aspirin and is now not happy!

Well this sucks!

So I woke up all raring to go this morning, to realsie that it was freezing cold and cloudy. So I made a cup of tea and poured milk on my cereal and went back to bed. When I got up again (lets not mention how many hours passed in between) I put my tea in the microwave, ate my cereal (hours of soaking makes for wesome Squillos!) and stared at te sky going why WHY? oh WHY?!?!? (in my head of course. I'm isolated. Not crazy).

A few hours later it began to clear and so I eagerly set out in search of some lizards. Three sites later I still hadn't so much as seen one of mine and the sun was setting so I came home and went for a run out of sheer frustration, and ended up even more frustrated. Turns out running up and down gravelly hills is slightly harder than the treadmill that I know and love.

And so I measured the lizards from yesterday and took a nap, only to wake up absolutely freezing about half an hour later.

On the plus side, nothing makes running worth it like rounding a corner and seeing four giraffe staring at you with totally bemused expressions before galloping off! And I did run further than I would have expected, although the hills still absolutely kill me. I have a slightly kinder route planned for tomorrow (except for the 2km climb to get to the start of it).

And, despite everything, I'm feeling pretty good! it's amazing when I think back to the depressed and tense person I was for the last few weeks! Looks like all I needed was to get out of the city and climbing some rocks!

It's May, I'm sunburned, wtf?

Yesterday was kind of frustrating with it being so cold and then kind of clearing up enough that I ended up catching a single lizard and then crawling through a dassie-sized hole (dassie!dassie!) under a fence (through mud, might I add) to get to another outcrop, where nothing so much as moved. It was awesome though, I've been wanting to explore the rocks there for ages, and I got to feel like an adventurer too, skulking around on what I presume to be Christo's farm (neighbour, he's nice) waiting for the appearance of the shotgun along with the barking boerboels and the "WAT MAAK JY?"

 

today has been awesome on several fronts:

1. I figured out which rusty metal thing to poke with a stick tube thing and therefore made the dodgy toilet flush! I had no idea that an influx of water would cause that stench though, so the safe bathroom is still temporarily shut and off limits with all the windows open. If all goes well I will attack it with Domestos in the morning.

 

2. I caught 3 lizards today which puts me at about 10% of the way there! 10 more good days and a week of measurements after that and I can go home!

 

3. It was a beautiful day! The birds were singing, there wasn't a cloud in the sky, I didn't run into any snakes, and the zebras were easy to chase off my study site (I have no problem with the giraffe herds, but zebra make me nervous).

 

4. Gym has paid off, usually the first few days involve lots of sweating, gulping down water and legs burning as I sprint from site to site. Today was remarkably easy - not as much as it usually is at the end of a three-month stint of this, but definitely better than the usual first week that I need to get back into the swing of spending around 8 hours running around on rocks every day.

 

5. I just had leftovers for dinner. I LOVE leftovers! And it's from the dinner I made last night which came out really well despite my nerves being rather frayed by the possibility of the gas stove exploding at any second!

 

6. Despite the gas being turned off, somehow the kitchen has hot water, which is weird because it's usually heated by a gas-powered geyser. I'm not complaining at all! No boiling the kettle to wash dishes is always a pro!

 

On the negative side:

1. Someone is coming here to do some work on Thursday, and the solitude I love so much will be interrupted.

 

2. I didn't realise how much I was burning today until I got home and took a nap and woke up itching. My face is OK, albeit a bit more freckly than before, but my arms are a rather fascinating shade of maroon. And I totally wore sunblock!

 

3. I realised this morning that the jackhammers in my head were not the result of the people at the Spar sneaking alcohol into my milk or anything else that I was frantically thinking of to explain my headache. It's the fact that back at the lab I have at least two cups of strong filter coffee a day, added to at least one at home and possible another one or two if I see friends. Can you say caffeine withdrawal? I drifted towards the coffee in the cupboard, but was saved by the fact that there was no power this morning so it wouldn't have done much anyway unless I was really desperate and ate the powder with a spoon. When the power came on a bit later I was able to talk myself out of it by explaining clearly that its mild blend so barely worthy of being called coffee, and that needing the bathroom while out trapping is really not fun. the grass is long, there are ticks everywhere, and the minute peeing behind a bush is called into question i become really girly and throw a drama-queen tantrum (they say you get used to it. I've been camping for most a decade, trust me, men have a much better time and it always sucks). i had some tea and a handful of aspirin and the headache went away.

 

4. The part of fieldwork I always forget: the itchiness! The shoes I'm not used to hurt my feet for the first few days and a combination of tick-bites (pepper-ticks are out in full force, so watch this space for the great tick-bite fever (again) saga!) despite all of my wily tricks to avoid them, scratches from the thorn bushes and grass stems as well as the usual dirt and grime from lizard-catching mean that I itch like crazy until i shower. and the sunburn means that I can't have a nice hot shower, and it's cold so I cant have a cold shower, which meas I'm stuck with lukewarm which is the least satisfying shower of all. In summer I actually prefer taking cold showers while I'm here, but right now it's not an option unless I intend to be found in a few weeks time, blue and frozen to the floor of the bathroom.

 

On the plus side (again) I didn't get trail shoes because, while almost worn out, my old ones have a few weeks left in them and I don't ant to get new ones now and then have them wear out on me halfway through my big summer session (a set lasts me about 2 months on average. Merrel's were my favourite but only made 6 weeks before the tread was gone). so I figured I'd dig out my old hiking boots and see how they do. and they're amazing! The ankle support is great, I tripped over a bunch of rocks and my sightly-weak ankle was fine, didn't turn at all! The grip is also really good. the only problem is that I'm not used to shoes rubbing at my ankles and that's a bit sore now, and the fact that they're heavy and so I feel like I'm clumping rather than sneaking up on lizards. Otherwise they're amazing!

 

My camera not connecting is driving me nuts! when I go home next week I'll reinstall the drivers and see if that helps. I took an awesome (or so it looks of the LCD display) shot of the moonrise last night, although it looks a bit blurry, even with the tripod. I think the moon moves a lot more than we give it credit for!

If anything happens to me...

Last year I came out here a week further into winter and proceeded to get sunstroke. This ear I had to sleep in three layers of clothing and my sub-zero sleeping bag and right now I'm sitting in my field clothes plus jersey, waiting to see if it'll warm up enough to go out lizard-hunting. So I figured Id use the opportunity for a quick update that doesn't involve me crying or having a bad day...

 

For the record, if you ever stay in a secluded farmhouse that's hidden away in the back corner of a conservancy, then maybe it's a good idea to clean up before you leave. The last people, bless their demented little hearts, decided to leave some fruit, for the next person. I do that too with one difference: I leave TINNED fruit! I arrived last night to find the fruit bowl stacked with pears in various states of deflation. I threw them off the balcony and they literally exploded when they hit the ground! They also let a dirty T-shirt that is literally growing things under the arm regions...

 

The main toilet in the house is also not working, from the looks of it there's something in the mechanism between the handle and whatever all those things are in the cistern that's disconnected. Whoever stayed here before (long enough ago that their pears could start their own civilisation) didn't do the polite thing and pour a few buckets of water to clear it out. I lifted the lid and got the fright of my life!

 

So instead of using that bathroom I have to either go outside to the big ablution blocks, or i have to go through the house to the bathroom at the far end. A lot of people seem to think that it's haunted down their, and I know there were some very weird things going on at the old caretaker's house before it was demolished, so it's pretty reasonable to assume that whatever it is has moved into the main house (reasonable at 11pm when it's dark at least...). The worst pat is that to get there you have to open an inter-leading door, but as none of the floors are level, the door tends to slam itself shut behind you. It's metal too so the crash is rather surprising until you get used to it!

 

The geysers and the stove/oven in the kitchen are gas-powered, so when I arrived I turned the gas on and checked everything and it all seemed fine. My mom had gone ballistic at the bakery before I left, so I had croissants for dinner (they were also an awesome breakfast and lunch...) so I didn't really go into the kitchen much. Then, later, on my way to make myself some ginger rooibos tea (so good!) I smelled gas. I didn't know what to do, so I opened the windows and looked around a bit, but I couldn't find where it was coming from so I left it.

 

I admit by the time I went to bed I'd kind of forgotten, so when I was woken up this morning by a resounding BANG! I thought Oh no! The house just blew up! I rushed off to the gas canister, which is intact, checked around the kitchen, where everything looks fine and decided to turn the gas off until I need it. I still don't know what the explosion was!

Technology 1: Helen 0

So after much moping around and eating chocolate on Thursday, followed by almost killing myself at the gym and basking in the endorphin rush (mmm... treadmill...) and then having to take muscle relaxants in order to stop the cramping so i could sleep (treadmill? not so mmm...) I woke up on Friday morning in a fantastic mood and ready to take on the world!

We had donut day and I started organising things for when i had to leave, and then, once Luke headed off to teach my first-years I started moving stuff from the lab upstairs to the lab downstairs because that way I could be near my laptop and tick things off my packing list as well as being easier to carry things out to the vehicle from the ground floor.

On my last trip down I realised that something was missing. I went back to the lab and looked: nothing. I went downstairs and looked through all the boxes and bags: nothing. I went upstairs and scratched through my supervisor's gigantic pile of stuff from clearing out his office: some interesting things that I will have to ask about otherwise... nothing. i might have ripped a couple of posters in a temporary rage as I realised that my supervisor had confused the kits and gone off with a piece of equipment that is kind of fundamental to my work (it makes the machine turn on. Mildly important you know?). I went to the undergrad lab to see if Luke had any bright ideas, and my kiddies all looked happy to see me, but I wasn't very nice to them. I should send chocolate...

So I went downstairs and kind of stomped around a bit until the IT guy came to say hi and i pretty much burst into tears. He ind of looked awkward and patted me on the arm while I tried to make excuses t turn my back so I could wipe my eyes and low my nose discreetly and then he said "you're not having the best week, are you?" and i said "It's all sort of adding up and..." cue the sniffs and shaky breaths as the floodgates threatened to open a bit more.

He was awesome pointing out the fact that I'd said just the day before that I never cry, which WAS true, it had been years! And I had to find it quite amusing that while I was quite incapable of crying over a guy, I can cry over a piece of electronic equipment! He took me to a workshop where he and another guy tried very hard to adapt something else to do the job, but it didn't work although they tried EVERYTHING, and finally I decided to give up, as I can delay that phase for a few days and drive back home for a night to pick it up when he gets back. Lets just hope he doesn't extend his trip... As is I was waiting for other equipment, so rather than having it couriered I can just go and collect.

So I drove home so that I could get dropped back at university to take the field vehicle home and on the way some moron cut me off at a traffic circle. I lost it. Who knows what happened but I was screaming and crying and swearing and banging the hooter repeatedly - the guy covered his son's eyes and drove on. I had to drive around the block a few times before I cold stop crying and then I went home, washed my face, went back to university and ended up having junk food and a very long drinks session with the IT guy before i went home at about 11pm.

I must say, I think it's good that I'm finally figuring out what's going on in my head, in part because i think I'm starting to re-prioritise life slightly and in part because I've suddenly catapulted into a really awesome friendship with the IT guy, and he makes me examine my thoughts and actions in depth. I think I'm going to need the quiet time just to figure out what on earth I thin about everything, but I guess it's a good thing!

Oh, and for the record, I am currently in the middle of nowhere and it's FREEZING! The title of today's post refers to the post I was planning on for today, but for some reason my laptop won't read my camera, and this one needs pictures!

Solitude

This is kind of how I'm feeling right now. I can't explain it, but at least now I know I took this photo for a reason!
So a few days ago I was chatting to someone who has become a pretty close friend over the space of about two days (I'm not even kidding, starting a friendship with an hour-and-a-half heart-to-heart is NOT who I am!) and we ended up discussing depression. When I was a teenager I was diagnosed with it and given the requisite little white pills. I took one. I think it may have been half of one, but I don't really remember. All I now is that I never took one again, I refused to live my life feeling like the world around me wasn't really real.

Anyway he said that when you're depressed the colours around you fade and the world seems dull and ugly. I didn't really think too much about it, except to remember a specific sunset that was beautiful, that didn't move me in any way emotionally although my intellectual side could admire it.

So this week, with the crazy hotbed-of-emotions that is the meat-market lab (can't really call it the primate lab now that it's being cohabited by a primatologist, mammalogist and me) coming to a rather unpleasant and yet necessary end last night, when I woke up this morning the world seemed a little bit duller. I did a very girly thing - put my head under my pillow and refused to face the day for a few more hours, and not because of exhaustion (although that helped).

And I've been gripey all day. The people around me have been so amazing, I have been patted on the back, sympathised with, bought chocolate, treated gently... and I just don't want to talk about it! I was amazed by the depth of response in some people, people who I never expected to get that angry on my behalf and yet who did. People who seemed to notice that something was up and treated me gently even though they had no idea why. People who pulled me aside and gave me sympathy without making a big scene (which I was dreading at one point).

I guess part of me wants to cry because I feel so much like I belong here, and I have a little family of colleagues who are so totally amazing. It makes me feel like I am worth more than that, I am worth waiting for, I am worth someone putting in the effort and making me feel special. And that makes the colours a little bit brighter and tomorrow morning I may just leave the safety and warmth of my bed a little bit earlier.

And going away on Saturday (if it happens - it seems like the vehicle I was taking has been hijacked by the maintenance guy who won't give it back...) well I'm looking forward to it. I'm an analytical person, I don't bury my emotions, I just generally don't feel things very strongly, which is why this whole situation hit me so hard - I was all crazy and quivery like a teenager and I had no idea how to react to the fact that I was feeling the proverbial butterflies - and I can't wait for some solitude to think everything through and sort it out in my own head.

I've been in the city for far too long, and as much as I will miss the lab like crazy, I think it's time for me to get back to the field.

This has been (by far) the most emotional I've ever been on here. I'm sorry, don't freak out! Here are some pictures I've been looking at to try and relax and breathe a little bit.

The little things that make me happy

So a few nights ago we ended up sitting on the roof of the building next to ours, drinking rather awful wine and starting at the Joburg skyline and it made me realise just how special everything is. So I figured I'd make a list of things that make me happy. It might help me to stop this weird urge I'm having to hug people lately... our lab is totally emotional at the moment, we're discussing feelings and stuff!

1. the lab: I know I don't really belong in the lab where I'm sitting, as I have a desk upstairs in the other lab, where I lived for almost four years, but at the moment I'm really enjoying the company and random academic discussions (and the coffee machine).

I got this sign from my supervisor who is leaving and clearing out his office. I think its so cool! I'm also starting to make my spot in the lab feel like my own, but putting up things like the sign and some old old floppy disks as well as infiltrating the primate toy collection with wire lizards...

This was my desk back in honours, which is the last time I had a pin-board (until now!). I loved that board so much! note the collection of travel-mugs so that I never had to be without my coffee (or tea in those days).

2. Random humour in everyday life. My dad took me out for dinner on my birthday and this was on the menu. know it's immature but I had a good chuckle when I saw that "Uncle Nev's T-bone" was available (sorry for picture quality, dim light, cellphone camera...).

3. The crazy zoo people (who I don't see often enough!). Last time I spent a significant amount of time there they let me in with some baby jackals. They were SO cute! Almost like puppies but with small feet and ears instead of big floppy ones like dogs have.

4. My job (well the official one anyway). I can never get over just how lucky I am to work somewhere where they don't fire me for going away so much! I generally enjoy interacting with the people, playing with the animals and trying to get the credit card machine to work. This is the awful swipey thing for manual transactions. I hate it! But it works so I should stop complaining!

5. The gym (and the crazy people there). I'm still loving the whole exercise thing and for some reason I'm running more often than cycling these days. the sign in the change room is... adjustable... this is the handiwork of a friend of mine...

6. My menagerie at home. This is Max being cute. It's hard to believe he's almost 7!

And of course number seven: in a few days time I get to go away from the awful awful traffic and noise and pollution to have a distinct purpose in life on a day-to-day basis and get back to the real hands-on fieldwork. Which as much as I'm dreading it this time, I also just can't wait! And of course the fact that I hate to go away is because I'm so lucky to have so much here to come back to!

It's freezing!!!

So on Friday Oliver came over to give the lizard treadmill a bit of a service - I was planning on boarding up a few of the holes that the lizards can escape through (I have done a stunning job with cardboard, paper and duct tape, even a few band-aids and some sellotape in one corner, and checking that everything is connected where it's supposed to be so I won't have any more nasty surprises.

 

What I didn't bank on was the fact that Oliver is... well... Oliver! He's one of those people who likes to make things and fix things and think up new ways of making and fixing things. He's one of those people who takes pride in (and I think enjoys) doing a job well. I trust his ability when it comes to making and fixing things, and as the guy whol built the treadmill is at a new job and I don't want to bother him unneccessarily, I have no qualms about him taking it apart and checking up on the mechanism (one of the components broke last year and I had him on the phone for about an hour talking me through it all, so that when I found a friendly engineer I was able to explain what was happening).

 

So anyway, after about five hours the treadmill and housing were dismantles, we'd made some progress but it was shaping up to be a bigger job that we'd realised. To tell the truth, although I was exhausted and kept yewning, I had a lot of fun. I learned that you get something called a 'junior hacksaw' which is basically a tiny hacksaw which is totally adorable and makes me wonder if there is a junior lumberjack club out there, where you get a magazine and a mini-tool every month. It was awesome to spend some time with him too, we used to study together and so I'd see him every day, and when he moved to a different campus to do masters we kind of kept in touch but hardly at all, and it was great to sit and chat and generally catch up.

 

Once it started getting cold and dark he went off on his way and I went off to see a movie. Wolverine was sold out which sucked so we saw a spy-thriller conspiracy movie which isn't my usual fare, but the ending was very clever and I enjoyed the evening. I was quite sad that we couldn't go to a later showing of Wolverine (although knowing me and X-men, I would be dyeing my hair weird colours as a result - again) but I had work in the morning and on pay-day weekend I have to be awake and alert and so on at the vet.

 

It wasn't the busiest shift I've ever worked, and the credit card was working (mostly), but the people never stopped coming and on top of it all it was Brian's first shift and he was trying to figure out the credit card machine and the computer system and it was insanely busy! He did really well, but occasionally I had to kick him off the computer and take over when it got really bad, and fortunately I had taken over when the credit card machine stopped working so I was able to sort it out and do a manual thing without him feeling too bad. It also meant there was always someone free to answer the phone (which never stops) and he had to handle the two worst customers, so I figure that as a baptism of fire goes, it was pretty intense and he coped amazingly well.

 

From there it was off to visit Jo for about ten minutes (there was some gossip and girl-talk required and she'd phoned earlier and I hung up on her mid-sentence...) and then off to Oliver's house for treadmill-round-two. Turns out his dad (who has all the tools and the workshop and stuff) was going out, so there was nothing for us to do, so he made me an amazing lunch and we basically hung out and watched TV and chatted until I went off to guitar-hero and pizza evening.

 

The evening kind of didn't end... I ended up crashing in the spare bedroom and waking up feeling like I'd swallowed cottonwool, really needed a shower and had pulled a muscle in my stomach from giggling. 

 

And now I'm off to make lunch for an early mothers day as I'm probably away for the real thing. And then I'll probably end up visiting La at work so that we can discusss everything that happened last night and giggle over it all again!

The guilt!

So last night I was tasked with finishing our ADSL cap - this happens every month, we have a 1-gig cap and my family is so paranoid about running out that they never use it and I generally get told to use up half of it in an hour flat.

 

And so I started lookung up cruelty-free products. I have had a sneaking suspicion about my facewash for a while, so I changed over when I ran out to one that had "NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS" emblazoned all over it, and to be honest I like it better than my old one anyway. I always figured that testing on animals is so not cool when it ocmes to things like cosmetics and shampoo. I eman really, I'm sure you can find a opoor student and pay them to review your products? It would cost more but you'd get more feedback than from say, a rabbit!

 

So I found a few websites listing the culprits.

And

Oh

my

gosh!

 

I know a few of the big names, Maybelline, L'Oreal and so on, but I had no idea how many of the other smaller brands fit into the bigger companies! And how hard it it to find some things here - I had never though of checking up on my contact lens solution for example! I know that shampoo is a biggie and I hate to admit this, but I switched brands a little while ago and never thought to check.

 

I think I'm safe on that one, but I'm going to go look at the bottle now...

 

I feel like a bad person!

Wow!

Oh my gosh, today was weird... So I rushed in to university his morning, stressing out because my meeting with my supervisor had been postponed from yesterday to this morning, the traffic was terrible and I was lecturing honours students after lunch and I wanted to go over everything again.

When I got to the lab it was deserted (even the cricket was MIA) so I dumped my stuff and went in search of the elusive supervisor - it's his last day employed by the university and so it was kind of important. As it turns out I got to his office just after he sent me an email asking me to go and see him - he was about to leave, so it worked out pretty well! After that I went downstairs and started some coffee and settled down to work, which lasted for about two minutes before people started banging on the door asking for my lab mates. Five minutes after I got rid of one batch, the next would appear. Then one lab mate would appear and then leave just before the next person came to find them. It was most frustrating.

Then, once we were all settled in at the lab, drinking coffee and working (as you do), Candice arrived (not the usual Candice) to chat and visit. She used to sit at the desk I have claimed as mine now, and we don't get to see her much as she works at the zoo now and her office is really hidden away there. After she left, the other Candice arrived and went off with Luke for coffee and Megan and I ended up having a weird heart-to-heart about life and people and the universe and stuff. all this while I supposed to be stressing and doing last-minute prep for my lecture which was in about two hours at the point.

The lecture was OK, I wasn't stressed or panicky and i think that took a bit of the edge off my 'performance' I felt like the students were bored and not too interested until right at the end wen we got to the human behaviour examples, although Luke claims that it went well so I'm going to listen to him in order to maintain my sanity!

After that we ad a weird weird WEIRD conversation with Luke's supervisor who was giggling like a maniac because the cricket has moved into the office next-door to his and the post-doc in there is getting very irritated at the chirping! And Megan has to walk into the conversation when it got to discussing cup-sizes if you were to use a bra as a surgical mask. She missed the other part which I will not discuss other than to warn the innocent people out there to be VERY CAREFUL when google-searching obscure primate behaviour, such as punishment of juvenile vervet monkeys.

From there we got food as Luke was about to implode or pass out or something and we ended up talking about honours where Luke went through an Internet-game phase and played a game called Chuzzle incessantly, while I stood behind him yelling out instructions. We ended up playing it today and I'm not quite sure what the addicting factor was... from there we played Zuma and Bejewelled and Megan got very addicted to Bejewelled...

We also put in some YouTube-time watching bad performances in all the various forms of Idols/Pop Idols/American Idol which was funny and scary and just plain weird. And once I got a headache we stopped and played Bejewelled until it was time to go home.

It was a totally bizarre day!

Oh, and please can people out there help me. How do you (and I mean you personally, not convention) pronounce 'schnitzel'? It has been a topic for debate for quite some time!

feel a little strange but it's all right

So last night I went to gym again, and although I was very careful as I'm still slightly sick, it felt fantastic! I missed the routine and the sore muscles and all that stuff... I've also stopped the cough-syrup after I googled the active ingredients and found out that I was on a lovely mixture of antihistamines and uppers (i had been wondering why the pharmacist wanted to know if I had an addictive personality...).

 

And I woke up this morning feeling stiff and sore and significantly less sorry-for myself than I've been for the last few days. which is fantastic! I've also been gigging nonstop all day as Luke's supervisor - just across the passage has had his office invaded by a cricket which is SO loud that all of his meetings have involved people yelling to be heard over the single, tiny, bellowing cricket! It particularly funny when the Russian maintenance guy was trying to explain something in his rather strong accent with the cricket almost out-competing him for volume!

 

And Jenny sent the coolest plant home for my birthday! It's called a kudu lily, and I hope it's tougher than the last few pot-plants I've ha, because it's so cool! According to my intensive research over the last five minutes, the scientific name is Pachypodium Saundersii and it grows on rocky outcrops, flowering in Autumn.

 

I will try and take a photo later to post on here. In the meantime Luke will be caring for it while I am in the field, and I hope it will be happy and healthy for many years to come.

What's really going on (aka how do you miss people missing you?)

So after many posts of trying to avoid talking about real issues I've decided to tackle it head-on. After all the right attitude + a hammer generally leads to results in some form or another...

 

On top of my oh-so-exciting flu saga I'm feeling a bit miserable lately an I don't know why. I think a large part of it is that my body has become pretty accustomed to a daily endorphin rush from when I go to the gym and I haven't been since almost a week ago because I'm afraid of the repercussions if I go while I'm sick...

 

I'm also due to go off on fieldwork in less than two weeks, and that really messes with my head. You know when you go away for a while and people send you news? And its supposed to make you happy, but it makes you sad because it shows you that people don't stop living when you're not there. It's childish and silly and I always want people to be happy, but it sucks that they don't stop living when I'm not there. I remember the first time I went on fieldwork and everyone ad a board games evening without me, and I was devastated without knowing why.

 

And now I've done the whole fieldwork thing a bunch of times, and I love it and I know I'll be happy when I'm there and it'll be hard to come home, but getting my head in the game to get out there is the hard part. Right now I'm wandering around in a bit of a cough-syrup induced haze, trying to get all my permits and paperwork and equipment in order so that I can leave on time. At the same time in the back of my mind there is  that little voice that keeps telling me that I must stop worrying, because nobody here will miss me anyway.

 

It's really silly of me, but I guess it all stems from the original issue - the first time you go away for a long time it feels like a betrayal that people kept living without you. Then you get home and go nuts seeing people all the time and going out and doing things and then generally collapsing - the end of last year I got home and mostly hid in the lab prepping for the conference and going diving, but once I was officially home, I went nuts and ended up going out every night for almost a month (I think it was 26 days or something) and then I almost had a breakdown because as much as I had missed everyone and as much as I was enjoying spending time with people, I had just spent three months completely isolated (except for my lizards) with my closest neighbours a good half-hour drive away (it's quicker to walk, the roads are bad) and suddenly I was totally inundated with people.

 

The weirdest thing is that when I'm in the city, I feel like fieldwork is just a dream or a story that someone else has told me. The other day I remembered something that someone had told me that was a pretty funny story, and after hours of trying to figure out who had told me the story I realised that it was something that had happened to me! And when I'm there I feel like living in the city is all a dream. I guess having spent more than two decades there helps solidify it slightly more, but after a few weeks I wouldn't be able to tell you what my house or my bedroom looks like. I miss my friends and stuff, but I forget to miss them, unless something amazing happens and they aren't there for me to tell them about it.

 

But the problem is that the more you go off on long trips, the less of a big deal it is. There are no more goodbye parties or welcome home dinners, people forget where I am and I get invitations to things like movies when I am more than half a day's drive away. My friends stop checking up on me, I stop sending messages to them.

 

And when you're away so often, when you're home it isn't a big deal. People do stuff without you, not because they don't want you there, but because they don't think about you when the invitations go out. They forget to tell you exciting news because you aren't normally there to hear it.

 

The point of it all is that I'm rather solidly in the self-pity stage at the moment. I'm going away and i don't want to go because I will miss everyone, but at the same time does it matter because nobody will miss me. I don't know where I belong, because I'm so split between two places that neither is home. And life is horrible and nobody cares and I'm going to go sit on the couch and suck my thumb and cry, like the 4-year old I seem to turn into whenever I'm due to go away again. and on top of all of it I'm having boy-issues. Why now? Of all the times for this sort of thing to happen!

 

Don't mind me, I'll grow up in a few weeks when I have to fall down my first cliff-face of the day and the sun is shining and all I have to worry about is the nasty little lizard hiding under a rock... And I'll be happy, for a moment at least!

Bleh

So for the last few weeks everyone around me has been sick with the most horrible flu. I generally don't get sick too often (I replace illness with injury more often than not) and this time I fought hard against it with appropriate amounts of sleep, vitamin C, fruit and vegetables as well as regular exercise. it was a close call, but I was managing until I ended up standing outside in the freezing cold for hours waiting to vote.

 

On Thursday morning I woke up with a sore throat but I was otherwise fine, but lunchtime I was halfway through Leia's box of tissues (she was very kind to offer them regularly). for the record, she's just started her very own, very first blog, so please go check it out! She's putting tons of time and effort into it (and I think I might have given her the flu...). Anyway by Thursday night I was battling to breath and pretty much totally miserable.

 

Friday was pretty unpleasant, particularly because I had to teach fungi (according to the lecturer it's pronounced "fun_dje-eye") to my batch of first year kiddies. I could have persuaded someone to cover for me, but as I'm heading off on fieldwork before their next lab i wanted to say goodbye. It was very cute, when I finished giving them tons of advice for the rest of their labs (we do a little beginning-lab briefing session) i broke the news and they all said "awww" and seemed saddish. One of the nicer kids wasn't there which was sad, bit the one with a rapidly-developing attitude problem was absent, which made my life much easier!

 

They all worked merrily away and left after a few hours, most of them stopping to say goodbye and thank you to me, which was quite bizarre - this group has been the best first year lot I've had, but I have never pretended to care about them, and I'm pretty sure they're aware that I have no further influence on their marks! One girl ran over and hugged me and refused to let go, which was extremely awkward, as she's quite short and I'm rather tall, so I had a vice-like grip around my ribcage while she went on and on about her labs with me being the bright spot in her week. At the same time her friend, who was waiting for her, walked up to us and said "Can we leave now or are you two having 'a moment'?" I kept patting the kid on the back rather awkwardly until she went away.

 

I spent Saturday at the vet, trying to do my job but largely unable to talk. One of the regular clients came in, and i groaned inwardly - she's the one who loved to chat, and both vets hide from her. I was quite unfriendly, but I just couldn't handle making small-talk, when all I wanted was for her to go away so I could blow my nose. I was supposed to wait to be paid after my shift, but I just said goodbye to the vet on duty and went home, where I had some tomato soup and collapsed until the next morning. That was about 18 hours of sleep! I got up in the evening to get a hot-water bottle to put on my chest, and to take more flu-caps and med-lemon, but otherwise it was me, in bed, with a box of tissues on my pillow, a dustbin next to my bed for said tissues, and my trusty ipod which was pretty useless because my ears were blocked and I was almost totally deaf...

 

And by Sunday I was almost totally better, but with an awful cough and a voice somewhere between Macy Gray and Norah Jones... Fortunately Monday was a public holiday and I was able to watch a ton of movies at work, while getting some or other brand of cough syrup from the pharmacy next door - apparently it's highly addictive because something like 3 of the four ingredients are controlled substances, all I know is that it tastes bad enough to be something I will be more than happy to quit! Unfortunately it works so I have to live with it for a few more days!

I can't believe I did that!

So my Ipod is getting a bit on the full side, so I went through some of the backups I'd saved on there so I could get rid of some of it and save the space. I found all of my honours coursework assignments there which made for some nostalgia - particularly longing for, and missing, my old ability to write the biggest load of rubbish and make it sound good!

 

I went into one of my 3-day exam answers (basically for your exam you get given a topic and get three days to write an essay) and I opened one from a course that I did pretty well in. There, in the first line of the intro I found a typo:

 

"Tracking migration routes can be very time-consuming and expensive. Extrinsic markers suck as dye labels, tags or leg rings are time and energy intensive and depend on the recovery of marked individuals"

 

yes, instead of saying such as... I said that they suck! And of course spellcheck isn't the same as logic check...